


Blocked Out of My Mind

by Twilight_Joltik



Category: Asagao Academy: Normal Boots Club, Hidden Block (Video Blogging RPF), NormalBoots
Genre: Angst, Dreams, Fluff n Fear, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Nightmares, au where austin isn't married and they're both bi, written with a co-author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 23:52:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12692733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twilight_Joltik/pseuds/Twilight_Joltik
Summary: Jeff ruined everything with Austin. He knows he did. Now his heart won't stop hurting, and he retreats into himself. Is there anything that could help him bounce back?





	Blocked Out of My Mind

Jeff awoke in a cold sweat, his heart pounding in his chest a mile a minute. Another nightmare. He shook his head, flopping back down on his pillow. He rolled over and grabbed his phone, seeing that it was two in the morning. Too early for normal people to even be functioning, but yet here he was. 

 

He realized he needed a drink, like badly. He tossed the covers off of him and swung his legs out of bed. He padded his way to his door and opened it, the creak of his door waking him up more than actually moving. 

 

As Jeff walked down the hallway towards the kitchen, he thought about the dream he had just woken up from. It was in the same vein as the others- Jeff and Austin recording an episode of PB&Jeff, and they were recording a horror game- but they always got more gruesome and horrifying as time went on. 

 

_ "Sooooo, You're telling me this is just a seek and find?" Jeff asked, rolling his eyes. Austin gave a small shrug of his shoulders and Jeff shifted on the couch. He pulled his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them. He looked disinterested, but not for long. _

 

_ The lights in Austin's office started flickering as the storm outside worsened. Jeff shouldn't have even come over when it was storming, but Austin insisted- saying something about how "They hadn't recorded enough to just put one out without making a new one." Jeff hugged his knees tighter, trying to shield himself from the winds just beyond the window behind him.  _

_ The quiet in the room didn't last for very long. The lightbulb that was burning in the lamp next to the couch blew, causing a small yelp to come from Jeff's mouth. The room was plunged into total blackness, with nothing but the streetlamp outside to illuminate the room.  _

 

_ "Sh-" Jeff heard Austin murmur out then Jeff heard him shift, "Jeff, are you okay?"  _

 

_ "Y-Yeah, I'm fine." Jeff's voice was shaky- He didn't remember being afraid of the dark before, but he guessed he was now. He heard Austin hum and shift closer. The yellow glow from the streetlamp outside caught just right on Austin's face. _

 

_ It haunted Jeff.  _

  
  


_ The light only illuminated half of Austin's face and his eyes were dark- almost animalistic- but there was that familiar glint in them that felt like home to Jeff. _ _ It told Jeff that everything was okay, when it obviously wasn't. Jeff heard a lilt in Austin's voice, one that wasn't normally there but still put him at ease, in a sick way. _

 

_ "Everything is going to be okay..." The words flew into Jeff’s ears and rang themselves in his head. The older shivered, finding himself almost leaning into the sound of Austin’s voice. Somehow, he believed it was going to be okay. _

 

_ Jeff heard Austin move closer to him and Jeff’s blood shot through his veins faster than they had before. His breathing quickened and he felt enthralled.  _

_ He felt like prey being hunted by a predator, and he loved it. _

 

_ Austin pressed himself against Jeff, and the older felt a pair of lips attach themselves to his neck. A purr made its way out of Jeff’s lips and he felt Austin smile against his neck.  _

 

_ Jeff threaded his hands through Austin’s hair as the taller kissed, nipped, and bit at the sweet spot on his neck. Jeff didn’t know what brought this on, but he wasn’t complaining. _

 

_ A bit of a sharper bite at his neck caused Jeff to wince out, trying to pull Austin’s head back. It didn’t work, it was like Austin’s head was glued to that spot. Jeff cried out as one bite felt like it punctured skin.  _

 

_ “A-Austin, stop, that hurts!” Jeff cried out, trying to push the taller off of him but to no avail.  Austin’s sharp teeth tore at the tender flesh of Jeff’s neck, and Jeff could feel himself starting to bleed. The pain was almost unbearable and it caused Jeff to nearly start weeping.  _ __  
_  
_ __ He could feel every single drop of blood leave his body as Austin tore at his neck. Jeff felt woozy and dizzy but he kept fighting. He had to get Austin off of him. Jeff could feel chunks of his flesh being torn off by Austin’s pearly whites, but he stayed alive. He didn’t know how he was still alive; but he was- for how long he didn’t know. 

 

_ Austin pulled away, his smile tinted crimson with Jeff’s blood. Jeff gasped and spluttered, blood pouring from his neck and starting to leak from his mouth.  _

 

_ “Everything is going to be okay.” Austin hissed again and everything went dark, “I promise.”  _

 

Jeff shook his head, snapping back to reality. The glass of water he had been filling up was overflowing, the freezing water was spilling over the lip of the glass and onto his hand. He cursed under his breath, turning off the tap and pouring some of the water down the drain.

 

As he drank the water, he found himself wondering why he was having these nightmares. He hadn’t played any horror games recently, had he? He found himself going back to all the games he had played.

 

The truth smacked him in the face before he realized it. All these dreams weren’t from playing horror games; These dreams were from something more sinister than he originally thought:

 

These dreams were from Jeff’s fear of his crush on Austin.

 

\----

 

The drive over to Austin’s house was full of tense silence and some pop tune from the radio. Jeff didn’t want to admit it, he really didn’t, but he knew that it was obvious. He had a massive, high school puppy love type crush on Austin. 

 

Was it that Jeff was lonely? No, that couldn’t be it; Jeff was happy living alone. It was much quieter and no one used all the hot water.

 

Maybe he was desperate? Wow, that hurt to say. Jeff had never been desperate for anything before- he hadn’t been desperate to graduate high school, college, or even move into his own house. Why would he be desperate for something so simple as love?

 

Jeff didn’t understand why he wanted Austin specifically. He knew Austin didn’t swing that way, and Jeff was insanely attractive, he could go out and get a girl anytime he wanted. So why did he want his best friend? 

 

Jeff pulled into Austin’s driveway, looking nervously up at the tall blue house. He almost wanted to drive back home and tell Austin that he couldn’t record today. He was hoping that the video they were recording wouldn’t have them be too close.

 

——

 

As much as Jeff had hoped, Austin smacked down the case to 1-2 Switch in front of him. 

 

“People have really wanted us to play this. What do you think?” Austin asked, his eyes sparkling. Jeff groaned internally, but he forced out a smile anyways. 

 

“Yeah, that sounds fun! What’s the worst that can happen?”

 

——

 

The worst that could have happened, happened. Jeff didn’t even know how it started, but one second him and Austin were doing stupid poses, the next they were on the floor, Austin’s face two centimeters from his. Their faces were red, and their noses were just barely touching. Jeff was filled with a sense of fear that he couldn’t explain, a fear of not what Austin would do, but rather a fear of what Jeff himself would do. 

 

Jeff’s hands went from the floor to Austin’s chest, pushing the taller off of him. once Jeff had enough room to clamber out from underneath Austin, he did. He slid back to where his back was against the wall, shivering like a leaf. There were no words as Jeff’s hazel eyes searched Austin’s, for a sign of that animalistic look he had seen before.

 

But it never came. And Jeff shook more, his trembles increasing in intensity until he was trembling in time with an autumn leaf in the November wind. 

 

“Jeff, dude, are you okay?” Austin went to touch Jeff but the shorter shied away from his touch again. 

 

“Don’t touch me.” Jeff’s voice was thin, his pupils small and like pinpoints. The shorter stood, slowly, realizing what he did. Jeff looked to where the door was, and he started to walk towards it. 

 

“Jeff, wait, no!” Austin called out, severely confused. He caught Jeff’s shoulder and pulled Jeff to face him. Austin looked at Jeff for a few seconds, the two silent again. “Jeff, are you okay?” Was all that was asked.

 

“I’m fine, let me go. You’re being too nosy.” Jeff’s voice was cold and he tried to pull away again, but Austin’s hands held him tight. Jeff struggled against Austin’s hands, still trying to break away- much like an animal in a cage.

 

“Jeff, please, let me help you! I care about you, you’re one of my best friends! I want to know if you’re okay!” Jeff kept struggling and Austin’s voice slowly kept rising, before he was yelling. “Jeff, please stop! You’re hurting yourself and me!” He kept yelling but Jeff kept fighting. “Jeff, I love you! I just want to help!”

 

The room fell silent.

 

Jeff and Austin looked at each other for a second, before Jeff broke Austin’s hands away from him and bolted towards the door. Jeff stood at the door for a second, staring at Austin, but he turned away and slammed the door behind him. 

 

He couldn’t believe this had happened. He didn’t want to believe that happened. Jeff fell into his car, and he held his head in his hands. Hot tears stung the back of his eyes and he saw a clear drop fall on his hand. He looked up and saw Austin staring at him through the window. 

 

Jeff felt disgusting.

 

He threw the car into reverse and drove away, leaving Austin far behind, and leaving a life he once loved to death behind. He knew he could never face Austin again.

 

Jeff let himself into his apartment, tossing his keys onto the coffee table. He heard them fall to the floor but he didn’t care. He wasn’t planning on going anywhere anytime soon.

 

He sat down on his couch and held his head in his hands again. A laugh started to bubble out of him, but the laughter soon turned to sobbing. Violent sobbing, the kind of sob where you know a big chunk of your life has just been ruined. 

 

Jeff laid down on his couch, He needed a nap. Maybe if he slept a little bit, he would feel better in the morning. 

 

But as he laid there, he knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep. How could he when everything he just had going in his life just crashed down on him?

 

Jeff rolled over on his couch, his eyes falling on a picture of him and Austin posing with their thumbs up. They looked so happy; It made Jeff nauseous. He slowly turned the picture around, he didn’t want to look at it. 

 

Jeff rolled over, his eyes feeling heavy. He needed to sleep, even if it killed him.

 

\----

 

Austin frantically called and texted Jeff over the next few days, with no reply. He finally stopped after a week, too heartbroken to actually go see Jeff. He felt too guilty to try and hurt the man who already hurt so much.

 

He was holding his phone, about in tears again, when it hit him. Ian. Ian was that force that was damned to be reckoned with. He was the friend who would get your ass off of the ground and help you back on your feet.

 

He dialed Ian’s number and it was a few moments before a bored-sounding voice rang across the other line.

 

“What’s up, Austin?” His voice was nonchalant, and Austin began, telling Ian all of what he knew, and the situation.

 

“I haven’t heard from him in a week, Ian, I’m terrified. Can you go check on him and see if he’s okay?” Austin asked, fearing what Ian would say. There was silence on the other end for a second, before Austin heard a jingling of car keys.

 

“I’ll be there as fast as I can.” And with that, the line went dead. Austin pulled his phone away from his ear, seeing that the call had already ended. He put his phone in his pocket and sat down at his desk. 

 

He hoped Jeff was okay. He opened Ian would be able to get there before something bad happened, if anything bad happened at all. Austin hoped it wouldn’t….  
  
/////  
  


A shake of the shoulder woke Jeff with a start. “Huh? Wha-?”

As he blinked the sleep out of his eyes, he realized two things. For one, Ian had woken him up like he’d been doing since he showed up a few days ago to check up on him, and for another, he was setting up his laptop in front of him. “Make yourself decent,” he ordered, throwing a hairbrush and one of those little on-the-go plastic toothbrush things at him. “You have company.”

Jeff made a sound between a yawn and a groan. God, who was this gonna end up being? “I don't wanna talk to anyone right now,” he muttered. “Can't we just do this later?”

“It took me like, three days to find a time when we could all talk,” Ian huffed. “There's no way in hell I’m rescheduling now.”

“All… talk?”, Jeff repeated, picking up the hairbrush and tried to go through the tangled mess. “Who all did you-?”

A bit of a smirk. Ian took the hairbrush from him and started brushing his hair out, pulling a little too hard. “Oh you know, the only people I could think of who would get you to get off your ass.” 

“Well, I couldn't leave, uh - Luke? I’m guessing Luke - hanging,” he admitted defeatedly. “Or like, Luke and Jimmy.” As Ian brushed his hair, Jeff tried to do a once over with the tiny toothbrush, hoping it'd help. The strong taste of spearmint kind of made him gag a bit, but at least it got rid of the putrid taste of nothing that had been there before.

Before opening the laptop, Ian showed him his current state on his phone camera with a “looks alright?” that was probably referring more to his hair than anything. Jeff recoiled a bit- his eyes were puffy and bloodshot, his face was pale, and altogether he looked like a complete wreck. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, let alone friends! But, well, running to take a quick shower probably wouldn't do much good and just keep everyone waiting longer, so it'd have to do. 

Ian flicked his ear. “Uh, hello? Earth to Spacehamster?”

Oh, right. Question. “I-It looks fine!” Jeff affirmed, shoving the piles of used tissues out of view as Ian turned the laptop on and booted something up. “You, uh…” He searched for something meaningful to say about the state of his hair. “Brushed it back more than I would have, but it looks fine. Er, probably helps it look less greasy.”

Despite not looking up from the laptop, Ian rolled his eyes. “For fuck’s sake,” Ian groaned. “Just relax, alright? Your friends aren’t gonna care if you look like a wreck. We’re just worried about you, and we wanted to see if there was anything we could say to help you pep up a bit. I mean, I’m a wreck all the time; do you ever care?”

Vague memories floated up of late night group chats, when Ian’s eyes were so dark he looked like a six-year-old who’d gotten into his mom’s eyeshadow, Luke would zone out for minutes at a time before questioning what they were talking about with a yawn, and Jimmy was all giggly from a total two hours sleep in the past twenty-four hours. About all, he’d thought on the subject was that he felt a little bad for keeping them up so long. 

He found himself smiling a bit. Taking a deep sigh and pushing a strand of hair out of his face, he nodded. “I can do this!”, he affirmed as Ian turned the screen around to face him.

A voice - both intensely familiar and completely unexpected - blasted out of the speakers. “That’s the spirit!”

Jeff squinted at the screen. “Caddy?”

“No, it’s the Spanish Inquisition,” Caddy deadpanned, crossing his arms.

“But- but-but you're never available when the rest of us are awake!”, he stuttered out. 

“Why do you think this thing was so hard to find the time for?”, deadpanned Shane from another corner of the screen. “We had to coordinate like, four-time zones!”

Guilt pooled in his stomach as he scanned over all his friends on the chat. Luke, Jared, Wallid- even Jimmy was leaning over Shane’s shoulder. They all had to make time out of their busy schedules to worry about him. Something about that made him at least a little happy - probably just knowing they cared enough to do this - but still pretty guilty.

“Come on, we’re not here to watch you frown!”, Jimmy barked. “This is an intervention! You need to stop moping around and make up with Austin!”

Austin? He felt his face heat up with shame. “Who told you about that?”, he questioned, fearful that Austin had told everyone about his freak out. 

“Ian,” Jared answered simply, as if reading his panicked mind. “Don't worry- he didn't tell us much- just that you two had a fight or something.”

“Skewing towards the ‘or something’,” Wallid added. 

That made him feel a bit better. At least Austin hadn't been so mad at him he wanted everyone else to hate him too. “Well, it wasn't exactly that,” he admitted. “More just I lashed out about something stupid.”

Pretty much everyone just stared at him with flat silence until Wallid piped up: “you know, we really kinda need more than that if we’re gonna help you out any.”

Oh god. Ohgodohgodohgod. A fresh surge of panic filled his mind at the idea. “What am I supposed to do, just tell you all that I'm in love with him and I panicked when he asked me why I'd been acting so weird around him?”

It took him a solid ten seconds of stunned silence for him to realize he'd said that out loud. A solid ten seconds followed by the intense desire to vomit up something other than words meant to be kept under lock and key. He couldn't do this, now everyone hated him for sure and thought he was a complete idiot and never wanted to talk to him again!

As he started to run off, Ian caught him by the arm. “Jeff, just relax,” he repeated. “We aren't going to tell him, or judge you, or anything.”

“Of course not!”, Luke chimed in. “I mean, it's not like that's something we didn't know.”

Now it was Jeff’s turn for stunned silence. “Wait, what? You… knew?”

A cacophony of voices: 

“Of course we knew, everyone knows!”

“You think we’re too dumb to notice your googly eyes?”

“For fuck’s sake, you haven't shut up about him for the past three years!”

“I mean let's be honest, we’re all a little gay for Austin but you? You might as well be wearing a sign that says ‘please have my babies’ in rainbow letters when you're around him.”

Jeff looked at Ian almost desperately. “Please tell me I wasn't that obvious!”, he pleaded

All Ian provided in terms of comfort was a shrug. “All I can tell you is that it's a miracle that Austin hasn't realized it yet.”

Well. There went his delusions of having hidden his feelings well. But Austin still didn't know? That made him feel better, at least. 

He went back to face his friends. “So, what can I do?”, he asked, pleading a bit. “I wanna make it up with him.”

“Well, here's a wild idea,” Shane deadpanned. “You could tell him.”

“And ruin everything?”

His panic was met with an awkward laugh from Jimmy. “It… won't ruin anything…”, he assured him. 

“What makes you say that?”, Jeff questioned, suddenly oddly hopeful. 

Jimmy hid behind Shane a bit and his blanket more, clearly trying to hide the growing red tint on his face. “Well, uh, I may have kind of told him I had a crush on him a while back and he was pretty cool about it…”, he muttered

Vaguely, over Wallid and Caddy’s friendly teasing, he remembered Austin mentioning before that Jimmy used to have a little crush on him, but he didn't realize that'd been an admission on Jimmy’s part. So he was still happy to be friends with someone who’d admitted to thinking he was really attractive? That was great! He could get it off his chest and just move on!

“So I’ll tell him so I can get over it!”, he proclaimed. “Thanks, guys!”

“Uh, you're welcome?”, Luke offered over Caddy’s mutter of having not really done anything. 

Jeff exited the call with a deep sigh. Okay. Okay. He could do this. Just text Peebs and get it over with. He went to pick up his phone before Ian shook his head. 

“You can't just call him or whatever, you need to go talk to him,” Ian insisted. As Jeff opened his mouth to protest, Ian just shook his head. “Just… trust me. This is the kind of stuff you want to say in person. Make sure your intentions aren’t fucked up by misinterpretation.”

He didn’t know if he wanted to ask why. He definitely didn’t want to believe Ian on this, and yet, he couldn’t help but halfheartedly agree. The distance wasn’t helping the storm of confused feelings at all, and honestly, he missed him. Missed being able to talk for hours and only feel like a few minutes had gone by, missed the reassurance of someone brilliant who thought he shone just as brightly by his side, and more than anything missed just being beside him. 

“Well, I can’t stay away forever,” he admitted. “Guess I’ll bite the bullet, huh?"

Ian almost smiled before going to grab his keys off the kitchen counter. “That’s the spirit- I’ll drive you over.”

Jeff started to go towards the door before looking down and realizing he was in the same pajama pants he’d been wearing for the past several days. Not exactly good deep personal confession apparel, was it? “Can I maybe try and make myself look like a functional human being first?”, he half laughed.

././././././.

An hour and a liberal amount of that makeup he’d gotten to try and look better under stage lighting later, he looked almost like he alive and well rested. All that remained of the wreck he’d become was a distant, zoned-out look in his eyes that might have just been because he’d been staring at himself in the mirror for way too long trying to make sure there was no way Austin could tell how much he’d let himself go. If he wasn’t so familiar with his own face, he’d swear he was completely fine! 

The drive there was just long enough to mentally rehearse what he was going to say another few times: “I’m really, really sorry for flipping out on you, but I didn’t know how to tell you what was bothering me. But, I need to tell you that…”

Damn it, he kept getting stuck on that! What was he supposed to say, “that I’m in love with you”? “That I have a silly crush on you”? “That I like you more than I should”? He wasn’t sure how far it ran, if he was being honest. He liked him, liked him so much it hurt, but was that love or just infatuation?

He settled on “crush”, that summed the feelings up pretty well. Maybe just bring it up casually? Maybe he should have asked Jimmy what he said? 

But as he got out his phone to text him, the car pulled into his driveway and Jeff felt like he was about to explode. Getting out of the car, he felt like he'd sooner vomit than be able to get a single sentence out. Going up to the door, ringing the doorbell, that seemed like a game of Russian Roulette. Logically, it should be fine, but there was a definite chance this could end very badly. 

Even still, he had to do this. There wasn’t any more time to sit around and mope. He needed to do this himself. For himself. For Austin. 

With a deep sigh, he tapped the doorbell and waited what felt like a few decades for it to spring open and for Austin’s face to greet him with a look of complete shock. “...Jeff?”

“Uh, yeah.” The words he’d rehearsed in the car left his head, replaced with the pounding of blood in his ears. “Hi.”

He'd pictured facing him so many times since the incident. Imagined everything Austin might say or do. But even still, he could sincerely say he did not expect to be wrapped up in a tight hug and met with sobs. 

“I was so worried about you!”, Austin wailed hysterically. “Oh, Jeff… I thought I'd really hurt you, I thought I made you hate me, I- I-” 

His stutters dissolved into more sobs, and Jeff suddenly realized something that in hindsight should have been plainly obvious. Austin had been hurt by this all too, he'd gone through the same pain as himself. That just made his heart ache as he hugged him tighter and found himself reassuring him. 

“It's okay, it's not your fault at all,” he told him softly. “I was being stupid, alright? I just didn't know how to explain what was going on and flipped out.” 

“Well, I’m sorry I pushed you about it!”, Austin exclaimed almost too readily. “You don't have to tell me, and I won't bother you about it.”

This was a get out of jail free card. He could drop the issue right here and never think about his feelings again. No harm, no foul. 

But, the warmth he felt there in his arms told him something else. This wasn't a friendly or reassuring gesture. Friends didn't smooth down friends’ hair over and over or murmur gentle reassurances despite their own tears. 

This wasn't hopeless. 

“I really love you.” The words he'd been holding back so long left his lips before he could stop them, and for a terrible second, as Austin pulled away, he'd thought he’d been terribly wrong. 

But instead of a reaction of disgust or hesitance, he got a kiss on his forehead that filled him with a dizzy, giddy warmth. “Is that all you were worried about?”, Austin asked softly, wrapping him back in a hug that felt more gentle than desperate.

“Well, I sorta thought you’d react differently,” Jeff muttered. “Thought you’d be upset.”

The laugh that always filled him with infectious joy upon hearing bubbled up closer to his ears than it ever had before. “Upset that my best friend loves me back? Never!”

“To be fair, I didn’t realize it was a ‘back’ sort of thing,” Jeff muttered into his shoulder. 

More laughs. “W-w-wait, seriously?”, Austin asked, stumbling over the words. “I thought you figured it out ages ago and just avoided the subject because you didn’t want to hurt my feelings!”

He couldn’t help but laugh too. It seemed ridiculous now - of course, Austin loved him too! “I was a bit too busy trying to keep you from finding out your feelings wouldn’t be hurt, apparently.”

They both just dissolved into laughter as they held onto each other, like the only thing keeping them from collapsing was the warmth of the other. But, they both almost lost it and stumbled into the front steps when a loud shout came from Ian’s car: “Get a room, you two!”

Austin broke from the embrace to stick his tongue out in Ian’s general direction. “Get your own room!”

“Can I just leave?”, Ian shouted back. “I don’t wanna sit in the car for two hours while you two gush over each other.”

Jeff smiled a tiny bit. “Well, I mean, we do have a lot of catching up to do,” he mused. “On PB & Jeff, I mean.”

“No one would know if we’re cuddling while we record,” Austin offered.

“Have fun with that,” Ian yelled. “Get someone else to drive you home; I think I’ve babysat you enough.”

As he drove off, Jeff felt more excited to record then he had, well, ever! “How worried should we be about sounding too gushy?”, he questioned as he headed in.

“We’ll do our best,” Austin affirmed. “If you don’t wanna tell anyone yet, we can talk about this stuff between recordings.”

He definitely didn’t mind just talking like normal. He just smiled and kissed his cheek before closing the front door and beginning the all too familiar motions. But, even this felt warm and sweet and new. Every nightmare gently floated away as he sat down beside Austin and took his hand, lacing their fingers together.   
  



End file.
